This is the End

The Doors, specifically, Jim Morrison, is one of my favorite artists. After listening to the Doors song, The End, with my highschool boyfriend/college fling about 8,000 times, the lyrics of “The End” haunt me and make me feel safe, all at once. I listen to this song when I am feeling nostalgic and blue.

In 1969, Jim Morrison stated:

[E]very time I hear that song, it means something else to me. I really don’t know what I was trying to say. It just started out as a simple goodbye song…Probably just to a girl, but I could see how it could be goodbye to a kind of childhood. I really don’t know. I think it’s sufficiently complex and universal in its imagery that it could be almost anything you want it to be.

To honor my sexy idol and get some stuff processed and proclaimed to those reading, here is my version of The End

This is The End . . .

Of feeling guilty about stuff out of my control

Of feeling guilty about enjoying my well paid career

Of feeling guilty about having a house and money when others struggle

Of counting the calories of every single thing I eat, every single meal ever since I can remember

Of eating like crap even though I know better

Of punishing my body by not taking care of it better

Of feeling guilty about trying to help people when the outcome goes wrong

Of feeling like I am a bad Mom because I can’t get my son away from his narcissistic father

Of feeling like a bad mom by missing lots of my son’s “firsts” when I was tolling away working too many hours in the office and then at home

Of feeling like a phony

Of feeling like I’ve been “lucky” instead of deserving it after I earned it

Of worrying about being a bad daughter, friend, sister, mother and wife

Of being an ever worse one when I was depressed

Of lying a lot. Depression will do that.

Of not speaking my mind

Of staying quiet when open and honest communication is needed

Of letting the elephant in the room exist

Of allowing childhood trauma haunt me

Of feeling sad because I couldn’t forgive

Of feeling guilty of losing touch and not saying goodbye

Of not asking for what I want

Of feeling shamed about sex

Of not feeling like I’m good enough

Of me taking on blame for stuff out of my control

Of me feeling/acting like a martyr

Of saying sorry when I don’t need to

Of not asking for help when I’m in over my head

Of feeling so rushed that I don’t enjoy the little things

Of not following my dreams

Keeping up with the Jones’s. The Jones’s can fuck off.

Of feeling sorry for myself because of all the crappy situations I’ve dealt with in my life

Of giving a fuck. I have zero to give. Zippo.

Of feeling like less of a “lady” because I say “fuck”

Of not being able to take a compliment without giving one back

This is the start of saying “yes” and allowing life to unfold. It’s time to give back, accept love and just be. It’s the start of building a tribe to support me and not push me down. It’s the start of silenting my mind when life gets tough and remember the world is a better place with me in it! I’m choosing JOY!

What do you want to end?

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